At the end of my journaling today I had a thought: I become negligent when I carry too much, I carry too much when I carry what's not mine.
I was processing how divided I feel at this point in my journey with how many good things there are to do, to explore, create. How do I decide what to give myself to? And be responsible to my life's needs and commitments at the same time.
As I thought about what I might let go of I wondered, If I let go, am I being irresponsible? That's when the thought that started this post appeared.
It reframed my entire mindset: what's mine is to follow Jesus and be responsible for what he's given me (myself). And a lot falls away when I think of it that way. No surprise that the following quote came to mind earlier this morning. I thought it was for someone else, but in fact it was for me.
The man who is wise, therefore, will see his life as more like a reservoir than a canal. The canal simultaneously pours out what it receives; the reservoir retains the water till it is filled, then discharges the overflow without loss to itself ... Today there are many in the Church who act like canals, the reservoirs are far too rare ... You too must learn to await this fullness before pouring out your gifts, do not try to be more generous than God.
-Bernard of Clairvaux
Jesus, give me the courage to be filled. Grant me the boldness to rest. And out of this refreshment and filling, give me eyes to discern the good before me.