Emerging isn't an easy process. Caked in the mud of expectations -- from myself and others -- I began to forget who I was. And I cater to meet these expectations because I want to feel productive, accepted, understood. The mud dries. Another month, another layer.
"[L]et’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him."
This residency has been like water on dry earth. I couldn't emerge from inside the layers and layers of crusted bad emotional habits and beliefs. I needed to be freed from the outside first, to get a little wiggle room so I could exit the encasement. And changing my landscape, my routine, my daily rhythms has softened the sand. Although it's also created some mud -- the messiness of unearthing -- the water is still flowing, cleansing, softening.
Jesus, thank you for this month, this water, this refreshment. Thank you for offering your helping hand to me to emerge from these unhelpful, untrue thoughts and walking with me as the water mixes with the earth and creates something new and beautiful out of the mess.