This afternoon I was journaling after my spiritual direction session and I stumbled upon something: our desires are shaped by our inner realities.
I realized this while processing something I was craving walking into my session. When I left my session the want for it was also gone. So when I sat to write and reflect the change stood out.
When I left my session I also left behind a lot of anxiety, restlessness, and untrue messages I was believing. Curiously, my former desire was no longer present.
My desires were affected by the turmoil in my heart. And manifesting in external wants. In the moment I was not free to want my wants, I was being driven by anxious inner forces masking themselves as desires.
I wonder how often I do this, how often do I want something because of some drive inside me, rather than a pure desire for the thing I think I want?
I left my session feeling full, without need, and satisfied. There was no continuing hunger for what I thought I wanted. And by not acting on my want in the moment I allowed myself to not be driven by anxiety, but gave myself enough time and space to realize I was actually content.
And from freedom I could more clearly see my actual longings: to become who I am in Jesus, to help others along the way as I journey with Jesus, and to learn to care well for myself so I can be and become those things.
Thank you, Jesus. Have mercy on me to slow down and notice when my heart is not as rest in you. Help me to live out of the reality of my relationship with you. Amen.